Monday, April 25, 2011

Day Eighteen

This Song

I love Alpha and Omega by the Gaither Vocal Band. There are days I have a lot of spunk. Days I feel like fighting, arguing, wrestling. There are days my mind is sharp, my spirit is quick and I want to know! Then there are days when I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I don't have the energy to make sense of things. Large thoughts are weighing me down and I just want to curl up. I have a mini-obsession with death. I always have. It began when my brother died. I had nightmares that Mom and Dad would leave too. Later it moved on to Gram. I'd think about her age and calculate how many years I had left with her. When I went to college I'd wake with sweat drenching my clothes - having dreamed my whole family was killed in a car crash. The same dream every time. The same phone call. I still do the age thing. I know exactly how old everyone is in my life and I have calculated how many years I have left with each of them, assuming they live an average life span. It's kind of depressing...which leads me back to this song. When thoughts of death and "gray" settle around me, when I start to feel hopeless and the fight in me (which allows me to push such thoughts away) is gone - I play Alpha and Omega. It is like I'm a child again. That simple faith that my parents will take care of me because that's what parents do encompasses me. My heavenly Father will take care of me because that's what He does.

There shall be no more death
Neither sorrow nor crying and no more pain
The former things are all passed away.
He that sat upon the throne said,
"Behold I make all things new."
He said unto me, "Write these words,
For they are faithful and true.

It is done. It is done. It is done. It is done."

God said it and I don't have to think anymore. Just rest. It all begins with Him and it all ends with Him. Death doesn't win. Ever.

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