Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Babies I Didn't Get To Hold

I almost had an anxiety attack right in the middle of summer school. I was reading a blog about a woman who had two miscarriages. One of the comments said, "You will be a great mommy. You already are." My chest got really tight and I couldn't catch my breath. My face felt like it was on fire, my hands started to shake and my teeth started to chatter. Because, you know what? She might NOT ever be a mommy, not in the way she imagines. I won't be. Ever. And the finality of that and the cruelty was unbearable in those moments before the anxiety detached its claws from around my heart. All those dreams I had about my future? They won't be happening. That little blonde girl with the brown eyes dancing around my legs, making me slow down and stop my hurrying? She won't be there. That sulky teen-ager who wants nothing to do with me? I won't be hearing her slam her door. I won't be watching her walk down the aisle or holding her hand while she brings her own child into the world. I won't be surrounded by my offspring and their families when I'm old. And I'm angry about that. I am not supposed to be. I am supposed to be leaning into Jesus. I am supposed to be letting him be the solid ground under my feet when it feels more like they are just flailing in the air, trying to find a place to land. I am not supposed to be focusing on the Why? I am supposed to be focusing on the Who. But I can't. I have so many Whys. So many un-answered questions or insufficient attempts at answers. People say, "You can adopt." Yes, I can. And I can love that child with all my heart. But there won't be my grandparents' genes in that person. My dad's smile or my mom's sparkly eyes won't be looking at me. I won't see traces of my brother. Maybe someday that will be okay but someday isn't here yet. Today is now and right now it's not okay. I'm sad and I'm angry and I feel betrayed. Physically the surgery is the best thing I could have done. Emotionally - different story. One that I can't bring myself to read for very long or tell about in depth. From that same blog, here are some reminders for me to look at when I feel more inclined to focus on Who.

Who is Jesus?
He is the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6)
He is the beginning and the end (Revelation 1:8)
He is selfless (Romans 5:8)
He is faithful (Psalm 36:5)
He is a good Shepherd (John 10:11)
He is salvation (John 11:25)
He is alive (John 20:6-7)
He is with you (Joshua 1:9)
He is love (1 John 4:8)
He is in control  (Colossians 1:15)
He is good (Psalm 86:5)

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