I've kind of been in the midst of a breakdown for about six months. Major life changes have hit so quickly they pile up before I have time to deal with one and move on to the next. I find myself alternating between laughing and crying and sometimes both at the same time. I've questioned God and doubted His wisdom and plans for my life. I've argued with Him, shut Him out, cried (some more), and closed my heart. I've convinced myself anyone could do a better job at the helm than He's been doing. Each step away from my Abba Father has been a crack in my life. There were so many cracks, I couldn't hold it together anymore. On my way home from my brother's the other day, I was praying and thanking God for a change in my circumstances. I was asking Him to forgive my bull-headed, sinful behavior. A song came on by Casting Crowns that I am quite certain was written just for me. My favorite part says this:
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
What a wake up call. No wonder everything appeared so bleak. For six months I have been focusing on the storm. For six months my attention was not where it should have been. I was so easily distracted from the truth of the cross. Only love would do for me what Christ did. Only the desire for my best would make such a sacrifice. Thank you, God, for the reminder. Thank you for holding my heart in the midst of the storm with arms that will never let go.