Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Frustration and Fury...Multumesc

Last night I had a meltdown. The kind that occurs when you've been holding so much in and trying to stay calm and trying to hold it together and trying to act like you are serene and content. The kind that, once it erupts, can't be stemmed - it just flows and flows and flows until only sputtering gasps remain. It is frustration and fury and helplessness and desperation coiled tight and hot inside. It is wanting to scream but knowing if you open your mouth the sound might never stop. 

Parts were told over the phone to a listener hearing with love. Parts were kept inside - afraid to be exposed to light. Much was laid bare during the course of a long night to a Father who was waiting to hold. When it feels like life is moving past and everyone knows where they are going and the trip consists of rides in shiny cars on fresh-paved roads into glistening cities, it is hard to remember that I am not forgotten as I ride my bicycle with the flat tire over gravel roads rutted from heavy rains down a two-track into ever-thickening brambles.

Some of what I was reminded of during my chat with God in the dark hours is the fact that all things come from His hand. Do I trust Him only when things go the way I think they should? Do I think of myself as more knowledgeable and capable than He is? The very things my students do or my girls at home or my brother that make me feel unappreciated or misunderstood or taken advantage of are behaviors I find myself displaying toward the Lord. When will I be grown and mature enough to look at Him and what comes from His hands and say, "Thank you?" The Romanian way of saying thanks is "multumesc." It means, "It is much." Not only is it enough, does it cover the need...it is exceeding, it is more. IT. IS. MUCH.
The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue,
     Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.
     The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
~Lamentations 3:22 - 26
(Good News Translation and The Message)

Ann Voskamp puts this verse in beautiful perspective:
God’s mercies are new every morning — not as an obligation to you, but as an affirmation of you. It right there in there in the sky every morning: Every sunrise proves the burn of His passionate heart.

Where do I begin with this? His mercies are an affirmation of me. He does it out of love not obligation. Every sunrise proves the burn of His passionate heart. Every gorgeous, breath-taking pink and purple sky, every bright orange sun I see in my rearview mirror each morning as I drive to work is a reminder of His heart toward me. And what about The Message's version of verse 25? What does it mean to passionately wait? I could spend weeks on just that thought...passionately waiting. I feel a study coming on J

God uses literature, movies, music, art, His word -- all of this speaks to me and reaches me at a place where my logical brain refuses to accept what doesn't make sense. Last night and this morning He used messages from Martin Luther, from the Old Testament, and from Ann Voskamp. He used a beautifully unique hand-splashed sunrise, He used a song by Laura Story. He read my heart and spoke to me in a language He knows I understand fluently.

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
©Laura Story - Blessings

This morning as I reflect on what God has been speaking into my life, I think about the bicycle with the flat tire I feel like I've been riding. I think about the unfulfilled dreams and the unanswered questions. I think about walking with a loved one through unknown territory. I think about waiting and seeking and hoping...passionately. I am challenged to say thank you. To trust.

All the while You hear each spoken need
You love us way too much to give us lesser things

Multumesc for this life. It is much. 

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